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Thread: Dealing with my depressed husband

  1. #21
    Hi @Shayna,

    I agree with @mdee and @FirTree - we are on this forum to support one another, so please vent. When we are able to 'get it out', it helps to reduce the pressure (kind of like letting a little bit of air out of a balloon that has been blown up too tight). When you are able to vent and talk things out, it helps you with getting your thoughts together, while easing the confusion you must feel. I'm glad you called the hotline, too. That was a great idea @msaok.

    No judgment at all. I understand if you are committed to your marriage, so whatever anyone has to say in opposition of that, likely adds more frustration and confusion for you. Still, be safe because he isn't in a good frame of mind and we don't want you to get physically hurt. Emotional hurt and lashing out like this is just as painful and just as bad as the physical type of abuse, but we are all concerned for your safety.

    Meanwhile, I'm glad you are talking to us. I hope that you are able to find a doctor who may be able to reason with him in a manor that would help properly diagnose (if there is a disorder here that can be treated with medicine). You both deserve to be happy and he isn't any more pleased living in his own body, acting and reacting like this than people might realize. He may not be able to control his anger and behavior and you are the closest person in the world to him... and as we know, we tend to hurt those closest to us if/when we are expressing anger, hurt, resentment, etc. While you are taking care of you, my prayers are with you in hopes that he will agree to search for medical help to find an answer. You both deserve it. Medication may likely help him, if this is a personality disorder that can be controlled with medication. If it's not, my prayers are that you both are able to find a way for him to filter his thoughts and feelings... before acting on them.

    When searching for additional support (i.e. hotlines, group therapy, doctors, psychologists, etc), I hope you find one that understands your commitment to your marriage - the last thing you need is judgment from anyone. Have you tried talking to a pastor?

    It will take some time to heal from the emotional ranging and lashing out, but the good news is that you aren't denying it. You are talking about it and making strides to find an answer. ... and you always have us
    Helpful Mrs Parker, Shayna, wintermute Rated helpful
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    Dealing with my depressed husband
  3. I feel like I'm in the best company with @Gramma, @FirTree and @mdee because, Miss @Shayna, we are here to listen and we're glad to do it!
    If one or two people don't want to help or support you then to heck with them- they certainly don't speak for the vast majority of us
    who very much do want to help in whatever way you need! We're here and we are listening!
    tumblr_n11xxcqZMI1smoqluo1_500.gif
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    To have his path made clear for him is the aspiration of every human being in our beclouded and tempestuous existence. --Joseph Conrad (and also Major Garland Briggs, Twin Peaks, Washington)

  4. #23
    Since we are on this topic, I feel the need to get this out. I spent half my life who was a sweetheart and caring individual then the rest was hell. He didn't beat me but sometimes I'd feel it would have over quicker. My spirit was almost destroyed. I always felt I was a strong person but no matter what I did or said was wrong, stupid or worthless. This is how it ended. I know I am an intelligent and worthwhile person. But it takes work. He is out of life, for good. Now the rebuilding begins. It is hard. I have many sleepless nights and fear panic attacks. But there is help. There is a way out if you think your life is worth it and it is. I am a spiritual person and I know my higher power is on my side. Take care.
    Last edited by mdee; 02-20-2016 at 01:10 PM.
    Helpful Danie, Jazie, Shayna, Gramma Rated helpful

  5. #24
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    Same type of situation here. My husband just entered a 12 month rehab.
    He was taking tramadol for depression and had multiple seizure episodes.
    Also very narsasistic.
    When in the depressive state he's crazy acting lashing out , taking my meds like handfulls....
    Never been violent but ugh then the next day he acts like everything is okay ., then plays the victim....
    Constantly seeking my reassurance that I'm happy with him, and apologizing then does it all over again.
    If he can't get on no polar meds and stay on them I'm divorcing.
    Had enough over 10 yrs.
    Hope all is well with you!!

  6. #25
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    @Shayna Why are you putting up with this? You cannot " love" him back to "health". Not all marriages can be saved and not all marriages should be saved. I do not now how old you are, but do you really want to stay with a man that treats you like this until you die?
    He sounds very manipulative, if you left he will try underhand and manipulative tactics to get you back, if you stay firm and strong he will eventually buck up.
    He does not deserve to be with a relatonship with anyone with that kind of behavour, remind him it takes TWO people to make a marriage work
    if any man treated me like that I would be off. Being depressed does not give him a right to be nasty, you are not taking care of him, you are being his punching bag.
    he will continueto act this way until you put a stop to it he is clearly unhappy, but that is not your problem, you cannot " love" a person back to normal.
    I say leave him until he changes his ways.
    Last edited by Missmolly; 06-07-2017 at 11:14 AM.

  7. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shayna View Post
    Hi everyone,

    I know that you all have read my previous posts about problems with my husband. Today, my husband admitted something that I have suspected for a long time: he is very depressed.

    I think with men, sometimes more so than women, the depression comes out as anger to those close to the man. I believe this is occurring in my case with my husband. He lashes out at me almost every day, sometimes several times an hour, over little things. Or he will lash out with impatience at our pets, inanimate objects, etc. He will bang around the house, yelling and cussing, either at me or the pets or things that anger him. I sit there, trembling and praying for it to be over soon, yet afraid to soothe or offer comfort, because I don't want to become the target.

    He does not see his part in this at all. Sometimes he says he does see it, but then he goes right back to this pattern, which makes me believe he was just placating me with gentle words that have no real weight. Just now was a good example:

    I was in the bedroom, and he was laying in the bed, awake. I wanted to put on a necklace that has a tiny clasp. I asked if he could help me, and he immediately snapped with anger in his voice at me. I said never mind, don't get up -- I don't need to wear it, or I can try it again myself. Then he raged at me, saying that I was cutting him off, after he already got up (but he hadn't, and I said it wasn't necessary!). I tried to explain to him that he was raging at me, but he wouldn't hear it. He said I was belittling him, that I thought he wasn't even good enough to put on my necklace. He got in my face, in the bedroom in close quarters, to yell at me and call out my many sins as a person.

    I became afraid and left the room. He followed me, stomping down the hall, telling me how my bad behavior was making him feel. He said I had no right to say that he was angry, that he was acting in an abusive way to me. I felt terrified and told him that he was right, I was wrong, and to just leave me alone. I would have said anything at this point. He then stomped off, saying more bad things about me and my bad behavior, and slammed the door on his way out of the room.

    I am sitting here, still shaking. I need to use the bathroom, but there is no way I am leaving this room to do it. I will pee outside in the backyard if I have to vs. facing him when he is like this right now.

    I kept trying to explain to him, why would I be acting like this if he wasn't scaring me to pieces?! He won't believe it, and he acts like he would rather believe that I think he is dirt, scum, whatever and that it is my fault for thinking those things, which then he accuses me of saying -- which I never, ever said!!

    This is so maddening, I don't even know if my post is making any sense. If I was 100% sure that he would be safe with himself and the pets, I would pack a bag and move into a motel for a few days.

    And now he is texting me, saying that he is downstairs (I am on the main level) and for me to please not be frightened. He is saying that he is sorry his tone upset me -- which I feel is his way of saying that he is sorry that I am imagining things and that he doesn't really have any problems. I am so sick and tired of being blamed for things I never said, never thought or never even felt, I can't even begin to tell you!!!

    Well, at least with him downstairs, I can make a run for the bathroom. I think I will also grab my purse, keys and a credit card, just in case.
    Hi Shayna,

    Okay, first off, I don't know whether I'm closing the barn door after the horse has bolted as I realise I'm coming to this thread very much after the fact, and I don't know how or if you have resolved this issue with your husband.

    What I am here to say, however, is that it is not depression alone causing this - this is just fact. It sounds much more like the actions of a person with borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder, POSSIBLY with a pseudo or fully psychotic element to the depression, but that alone still doesn't really cover what you're describing because the actions are usually more in the bizarre/eccentric nature of things, not the irrational and manipulative. Definitive traits but perhaps not fully reaching the threshold of malignant narcissistic sociopathy; I'd consider the last most or first most likely, though without accurate psychopathology and more definitive history of symptomatic progression it is hard to tell.

    I'm also here to empathise and offer to show you his side of the equation; I've been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, severe depressive disorder and borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder and am involved with high-risk offender management through probation services and forensic mental health teams. What is important to note here is that UNLESS there IS a psychotic element involved, then he IS aware of what he is doing, BUT he is almost certainly making faulty rationalisations, or perhaps has a weakened ability to make sound first-pass judgement, or something like this, which while will never justify his actions, does serve to explain how he sees things, and therefore a path can be paved to making him see the reality of things. The other possibility, of course, is that he is fully aware of what he is doing, and is doing so in a manipulative way that is based on making you subservient to his whimsy; this is more or less likely given his historical behaviour up to this point, and his age, psychopathology and other things have a weighting in making this decision too.

    If you'd like to discuss this from his point of view, which it is obvious you can't fully see, hence the post you have made (I don't say this condescendingly, may I add, it is just an observation because those who are mentally sound cannot fully resonate or relate to those whose brains control them more than vice versa) which I may well be able to give you - though note I do NOT and will not justify it, however it may make it easier for you to understand and deal with, if you are still in the situation; which, may I add, if he shows any signs of escalating violence, paranoia, just leave, don't take the risk of staying - as I am being treated for violent offending through my mental problems; I've alienated many people, friends and family alike, not to mention the guilt/shame that comes with the realisation that you (speaking in the sense of me, and him, in this case) ultimately were the one responsible and that your mind was playing mental gymnastics with such superb ability you fooled yourself into thinking whatever absurd garbage you believed was justifiable/rational/et cetera. However, this is all second-to-the-fact, and always you yourself is the top concern. Leaving him in the short-term may well be what is best; severing entirely may be safest. Only you know right now, and trust your gut - it is what has allowed humans to evolve; to push on when dread dissipates, and to stop when it reaches a crescendo. Listen to that evolutionary instinct. It saves lives.

    I am at the stage of rehabilitation where I can speak with candour about my mistakes, mis-steps, delusions, paranoia, and ultimately, violence. I've been removed from community treatment and placed into forensic and probation management for high-risk violent offenders that ultimately began via developmental retardation (in the medical sense) in my formative years, exposure to high levels of physical violence as a witness, victim and participant as commonplace through childhood, which continued through behavioural issues at school and well into my mid-twenties, plus numerous other things I'll not bother to put in the public domain for no reason. I'm now in my early 30's and slowly getting there, though I still am not allowed in a room one-on-one with any professional I work with and some of my family and friends are noticeably more wary around me now; justifiably so, I don't hold that against them. I'm also not in the position to yet make new friends until I know I am in control of myself; getting there bit by bit, helping people come off dependencies is actually one of my coping strategies. Odd, yes, but effectual.

    Anyway, to sum up, and to echo some others, don't put yourself in danger for someone - anyone - for any reason. You only really have you at the end of the day, everyone and everything else is fleeting. If you seek to understand, I can lift the curtain, if you seek to escape because you fear for your safety as I infer is implied, do so completely, no half measures, no kind of contact, just totally disappear. There are specialist groups that can provide advice and support, plus, as a family member, whilst I'm not sure of the laws in your country, I'm sure you may be able to have him placed on a temporary inpatient psychiatric hold for assessment.

    Inbox me if you so wish, but above all, good luck. Relationships come and go; you only get one you.
    Helpful Missmolly Rated helpful

  8. #27
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    @Shayna I don't think that depression is an excuse for violence. I know you want to save your marriage but if he is unstable and possibly dangerous then you have to think about leaving it.
    If he does NOT have any control over his behaviour then you can never trust or predict him, if he DOES know what he is doing, then the way he is treated you in not acceptable and by you believing his " excuse" is in a sense giving him the green light to mistreat you again as he will just say sorry and say it was the "depression" acting up etc.

    In any case I hope your situation improves and your husband gets better but he needs to know he could risk loosing you if he mistreats you.
    If he knows you will stay with him in " sickness and in health" he will use the " but I am ill and I need help" as an excuse every time.
    I personally would not tolerate anyone that behaved like this, by anyone I mean, partner, parent, sibling, friend, boss,etc...The risk is just to great.

    Your example in the OP was very telling, I am not judging you btw, It just made me think,

    how old is your husband? I first thought BPD but then you would have realised this a long time ago as they cannot hold in it for years.
    Is he old enough to have some kind if dementia? some people can develop it in their late 50's and 60's ( I had a female relative that did develop this in her late 50's and she turned aggressive to her husband and children, her anger was verbal and throwing things in temper but her husband and grown children did not fear her and he was never at risk)
    another relative who is a doctor suspected dementia and he was correct!
    if he has previously been calm and chill and then switched to this, then it very worrying.
    Have you spoke to a doctor about this? can you ask them about this? if this is a recent thing, I think it could be a sign of dementia or some kind of brain injury, that behaviour is NOT normal and neither does it sound like depression.
    @ohnomyhemoglobin made some good points.
    Last edited by Missmolly; 3 Weeks Ago at 11:07 AM.
    Helpful ohnomyhemoglobin Rated helpful

  9. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
    He needs a psychiatrist or anger management.

    I have an emergency "get away" bag packed to go that has everything I need to spend a few nights in a hotel if my partner ever relapsed or I needed to leave the house for any reason.

    You might want to consider it.
    relapsed? what was she/he diagnosed with?

    I agree so much with the person that said feeling fear is a deal breaker, many years ago when I was 17, I dated a guy that used to get angry in a verbal sense, he once shoved me in anger. I left and years later I found out via social media that he went to prison for domestic violence, in a way, I am glad I dated him as I learnt at a young age all the signs. I am now in a good relationship, despite our arguments, and the times he gets angry at me, I cannot even imagine feeling scared or being afraid of him , even at his angriest he is aware that there is a line and if he ever behaved in a way that did give me caused me to feel scared we would be over and he knows it, but the point is it is not in his nature to be violent or nasty so he does not have to try to control himself. That is the way men should be and most men are. The main thing that confused me is this seems to be sudden?*
    No person should be afraid of their partner.
    Also I know that all couples argue but certain " words" should not be tolerated.

    The above is directed for @Shayna

    * I assume he was not like this when you first married him?
    Last edited by Missmolly; 3 Weeks Ago at 11:26 AM.
    Helpful Shayna Rated helpful
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  10. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Missmolly View Post
    @Shayna I don't think that depression is an excuse for violence. I know you want to save your marriage but if he is unstable and possibly dangerous then you have to think about leaving it.
    If he does NOT have any control over his behaviour then you can never trust or predict him, if he DOES know what he is doing, then the way he is treated you in not acceptable and by you believing his " excuse" is in a sense giving him the green light to mistreat you again as he will just say sorry and say it was the "depression" acting up etc.

    In any case I hope your situation improves and your husband gets better but he needs to know he could risk loosing you if he mistreats you.
    If he knows you will stay with him in " sickness and in health" he will use the " but I am ill and I need help" as an excuse every time.
    I personally would not tolerate anyone that behaved like this, by anyone I mean, partner, parent, sibling, friend, boss,etc...The risk is just to great.

    Your example in the OP was very telling, I am not judging you btw, It just made me think,

    how old is your husband? I first thought BPD but then you would have realised this a long time ago as they cannot hold in it for years.
    Is he old enough to have some kind if dementia? some people can develop it in their late 50's and 60's ( I had a female relative that did develop this in her late 50's and she turned aggressive to her husband and children, her anger was verbal and throwing things in temper but her husband and grown children did not fear her and he was never at risk)
    another relative who is a doctor suspected dementia and he was correct!
    if he has previously been calm and chill and then switched to this, then it very worrying.
    Have you spoke to a doctor about this? can you ask them about this? if this is a recent thing, I think it could be a sign of dementia or some kind of brain injury, that behaviour is NOT normal and neither does it sound like depression.
    @ohnomyhemoglobin made some good points.
    Depression is no excuse for violence, it is not an offshoot symptom unless it is a form of psychotic depression, but then that would be an entirely different matter and you would notice erratic and strange behaviour outside of the violence; psychosis alone does not make you violent, though the things it may make you perceive could.
    @Missmolly points out a few valid points here, and if this is still ongoing, we need a bit more information to help. Or, take the general consensus as mob rule aka 'truth', and run for the hills; seriously.

    However, may I say that BPD also does not make you violent in and of itself, and I refer to both borderline personality disorder and bi-polar disorder here. Agreed, it would be damn hard to conceal, although this is heavily dependent on her husband's developmental factors, especially in the formative years, psychopathology, age, any possible ongoing co-morbidity, and any possible polysubstance abuse. While it is generally true that borderline personality disorder begins to present in early adulthood, it must be noted that everybody is an individual, matures at different rates, has different coping styles and mechanisms, varying hormonal levels, and so on, and as such, it is hard to rule out without knowing a bit more.

    However, the OP's tale and follow-up posts are what drives me more towards thinking he is fully aware of what he is doing, indicating more likely a narcissistic sociopath, so unless he has suffered a recent trauma, physical, emotional or mental, or is in his elder years. If not, I strongly advise you to abandon the relationship and run while you still can. Those kinds of personality disorders are very, very difficult to treat, as are most cluster B disorders, including borderline, though thankfully personality disorders such as borderline generally tend to dissipate with age and there have been recent breakthroughs in therapy; this is not the case, to my most recent knowledge, for ASPD, which is generally considered untreatable, and narcissists are also notoriously difficult to treat. Combine the two and the prognosis isn't great. The most evil bastards I've ever met were narcissistic sociopaths, and that's saying something when I'm considered a high-risk violent offender due to my mental illnesses (not an excuse, simply a perspective).

    Take this all, of course, with a pinch of salt. I'm not a psychiatrist or doctor, I've just been in enough high-security units and on enough PICUs to have the experience to "tell" with some accuracy, as much as can be gauged with what we are working with, and plus reading up on psychiatry, diagnostics and furthering my knowledge of psychopharmacology is a hobby of mine. That, and I've seen many psychiatrists, been involved with services for over a decade, and spent plenty of time with people far more dangerous than me... and they all acted like your husband sounds. Except one, but he proved the rule because he took a strange pleasure in acting totally innocent and kind to everyone until he was one-on-one with a psychologist or new patient and then mentally mind-****ing them. Quite the specimen.

    I pray your husband isn't anything like what I've just described, yet you need to know, like @Missmolly has pointed out; there is ALWAYS a line, though its perception is different to everybody, please try and stay on the right side of it, since it sounds like he isn't.

    Nobody likes watching the news when...
    Helpful Missmolly, Shayna, ludwig1961 Rated helpful

  11. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by mdee View Post
    He didn't beat me but sometimes I'd feel it would have over quicker. My spirit was almost destroyed. I always felt I was a strong person but no matter what I did or said was wrong, stupid or worthless.
    @Shayna

    Sometimes emotional abuse can be even more damaging than physical abuse long-term... Whereas nobody can ever begin to make a case for 'excusing' physical abuse, it's all too easy for the emotional abuser to claim that, "You just took it the wrong way," "It's your fault; you make me angry," etc., and for the victim to start to believe that it's true and that there's something wrong with them.
    Helpful Mrs Parker, Shayna, ludwig1961 Rated helpful

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