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Thread: Cancer--Would anyone like some cheese with this whine?

  1. #141
    @north19

    I appreciate your support and concern for me and I hope you have super powers and can see through that selfish post that I am grateful, and grateful for your concern and question. I needed to emote because I was focused on my friend and all that is wrong and I was feeling a lot of self-pity. Now that’s off my shoulders and out of my head. Reasonably so.

    The cancer is growing, as I was told it would. Honestly I had no idea what it meant until it happens. I have been trying to prioritize the symptoms that I can’t tolerate and ask for suggestions from the doctors for relief if available. I am not receiving a lot of pain relief, in part because to reduce the pain to an ok level, I would be heavily medicated and not good for much else. With the small aneurysms, I treated one but didn’t have the relief I was looking for, but I have to make a decision if I conservatively treat or live with it and see what happens. Risk that any moment could be the last if I don’t treat it, and for some reason I still have the delusion that I actually have any clue.

    I don’t know. The longer this goes on the more difficult it is , or I’m finding it is difficult to call the end of the game. Someone said I will know when I have had enough.

    Honestly I have had enough of living with this, even knowing others have it worse and it might become worse and knowing I ... I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live like this. All of that sounds and is foolish. I can’t get have my old health and life back. Yet I don’t seem to have the courage to tap out and be done.

    My life isn’t the worst, it just feels I have no control when I actually do.

    So I am not much different than others here who need to make choices on what to treat, how to get the balance of meds right, and everyday is an adjustment.

    Wishing and hoping and denying right now. It’s only pain, loss of balance, cognitive decline, vision changes, bloating from the kidney...and on. Oh poor me! ;p I am typing, so life isn’t all that bad, is it.

    I am just having a hard time finding my way. But everyday is a new opportunity to find the strength to accept and let it be.

    I’m ok, I’m ok. I’ll be ok.

    Be well

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by karuna View Post
    @north19

    I appreciate your support and concern for me and I hope you have super powers and can see through that selfish post that I am grateful, and grateful for your concern and question. I needed to emote because I was focused on my friend and all that is wrong and I was feeling a lot of self-pity. Now that’s off my shoulders and out of my head. Reasonably so.

    The cancer is growing, as I was told it would. Honestly I had no idea what it meant until it happens. I have been trying to prioritize the symptoms that I can’t tolerate and ask for suggestions from the doctors for relief if available. I am not receiving a lot of pain relief, in part because to reduce the pain to an ok level, I would be heavily medicated and not good for much else. With the small aneurysms, I treated one but didn’t have the relief I was looking for, but I have to make a decision if I conservatively treat or live with it and see what happens. Risk that any moment could be the last if I don’t treat it, and for some reason I still have the delusion that I actually have any clue.

    I don’t know. The longer this goes on the more difficult it is , or I’m finding it is difficult to call the end of the game. Someone said I will know when I have had enough.

    Honestly I have had enough of living with this, even knowing others have it worse and it might become worse and knowing I ... I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live like this. All of that sounds and is foolish. I can’t get have my old health and life back. Yet I don’t seem to have the courage to tap out and be done.

    My life isn’t the worst, it just feels I have no control when I actually do.

    So I am not much different than others here who need to make choices on what to treat, how to get the balance of meds right, and everyday is an adjustment.

    Wishing and hoping and denying right now. It’s only pain, loss of balance, cognitive decline, vision changes, bloating from the kidney...and on. Oh poor me! ;p I am typing, so life isn’t all that bad, is it.

    I am just having a hard time finding my way. But everyday is a new opportunity to find the strength to accept and let it be.

    I’m ok, I’m ok. I’ll be ok.

    Be well
    Don’t know if you are religious but I will keep you in my prayers. Your courage has helped me and made me realize I have it pretty good. A year ago I was in the ICU for 5 weeks with two blood clots that went to my lungs and had pneumonia twice. My healthy weight is 200 lbs I weighed 120. I am back to a little over 200 lbs. I was only 49 when that happened. I didn’t have any nourishment besides the water as they couldn’t get a feeding tube in me. I never forget waking up about three weeks after being admitted as I was knocked out with meds. I saw myself and I looked like a scarecrow. I was a professional athlete just 20 years ago and I almost died-doctors told my parents with double pulmonary embolisms I had about 30 percent chance to live. I was intubated twice. They almost did a tracheotomy as I was hovering too low on oxygen. So I am grateful. I don’t feel great but I am here. Sad thing is my 4 beautiful children had to see me like that.
    Anyway you are a warrior in my books and I truly wish you peace and all the best!!! Thanks for sharing. I truly believe you will be ok!!

  3. #143
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    Hi @karuna,
    I’m hesitant to write as I don’t want to bother you, I have only just seen this thread, it’s strange I have lung disease and I would write terminal but some other ailment could easily beat it to the post as I could well live for years. I aren’t very emotional about my situation but then I come on the forum read your last post and I’m wreck. I’m not gonna ramble on. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find some peace.

  4. #144
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    Gullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond repute
    Best of luck karuna, I hope you find your relief. I recommend corydalis extract, try to get the crystals not the weak stuff. Ebay and amazon no longer carry the good stuff, figures. But it can be found on the net if you search. It helps with pain and also with sleep and its non narcotic so none of the narcotic side effects.
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  5. #145
    Oh, @karuna, I wish you could see your posts through my eyes. You mention they are selfish and I disagree completely.
    They are full of grace, and acceptance, and pain, and love and concern for your friend and for all of us, and full of
    an insight, an understanding, and a compassion we should all be so lucky to have. Nothing selfish in any of that.
    Not one thing.
    I'm sending all my best thoughts to you, to your husband, to your friend, in the hopes that whatever
    the next part of the path brings, you will all be treated with love and care which you all deserve so much! <3
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    Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, b_tches!

  6. #146
    @karuna I can't moon dance but will do a line dance to a real pretty song called "California Blue" by Roy Orbison and send healing thoughts to you. .
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  7. #147
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    Gullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond reputeGullible has a reputation beyond repute
    I did a little digging and this company I have bought from before but not this particular product. Its the corydalis extract 98% pure crystals. You only need a tiny tiny bit like 1/32 tsp or so for an effect. Wash it down because it will not dissolve in your mouth. It helps with pain and sleep

    www. worldseedsupply . com/product/corydalis-yanhusuo-tetrahydropalmatine-98-pure-thp-isolate/
    Last edited by Kerry; 4 Weeks Ago at 09:12 PM. Reason: Remove hotlink
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  8. #148
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    Oh sorry, I didn't know it was against the rules. They don't sell anything scheduled but I guess its because its an open forum
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  9. @karuna, you are always inspiring. i wish it was easier, and i have a suggestion. your husband is frustrated from lack of control. get him involved in finding a doctor to provide better pain relief. you should not be in pain. i know you don't want to be drugged to the eyeballs, but you should not be dealing with pain. are you on hospice care? i never heard of one allowing patients to suffer. have your husband raise a major stink about it. you are not being treated properly, as you saw in comparison to your friend. get your husband on the case, please. that you are reduced to tramadol, a minor pk, infuriates me. i had a cyst on my spine drained and tramadol was useless.

    your poor friend. i'm so sorry, and wish you both all of my happy thoughts. some things you can't control, but others, like pain, you can. acceptance is one thing, but please don't accept sub-standard care.
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  10. #150
    I’m sorry for not responding to all of the posts of well wishes and suggestions on how I can manage my treatment and meds. I hope to have the emotional energy to do so soon. You have been helpful, caring and I appreciate it. Thank you.

    My dear friend, my best friend who was diagnosed with cancer, committed suicide. I’m trying to cope with his loss in my life and that he was in so much pain he couldn’t go on. I thought he had a plan and wanted to try everything, and he had a different approach than I had. I’m so sad that I didn’t see it coming and help him.

    I hope you are doing well and coping with all the challenges life has given you.
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  11. @kuruna , I am sorry for your loss.
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  12. #152
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    Quote Originally Posted by karuna View Post
    I’m sorry for not responding to all of the posts of well wishes and suggestions on how I can manage my treatment and meds. I hope to have the emotional energy to do so soon. You have been helpful, caring and I appreciate it. Thank you.

    My dear friend, my best friend who was diagnosed with cancer, committed suicide. I’m trying to cope with his loss in my life and that he was in so much pain he couldn’t go on. I thought he had a plan and wanted to try everything, and he had a different approach than I had. I’m so sad that I didn’t see it coming and help him.

    I hope you are doing well and coping with all the challenges life has given you.



    Peace be with you.

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    "All cruelty springs from weakness." --Seneca (4 BC - AD 65)

  13. #153
    @karuna I'm very sorry for your loss.
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  14. @karuna, i'm sorry he chose that path. it must be so painful for you. please take care.
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  15. #155
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    @karuna, I'm so sorry you lost your dear friend. It never seems fair or gets easier to lose the ones we love but I hope you can find the will and strength to carry on as gracefully as you have been in the past. I miss my best friend every day but somehow I force myself to go on and always appreciate the special memories we had. No one can take those away from me.
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