@karuna I was speaking theoretically about when and if I will be at the point of needing a hospice. At the time it seemed very possible, doc said as little as 30% chance of living 5 years. But I got a recent cat scan showing clean so my odds just got better. It may be years and may not be from cancer or might be next 5 minutes. But yes, if there is no hope of recovery, if there is uncontrolled pain and discomfort, if I'm no longer able to enjoy life and its just biting the bullet putting up with misery, then yes I will end it myself.
We would put an animal out of its misery, why are humans supposed to suffer and not get any relief? I think it should be up to the individual. You mentioned the possibility of miscalculating and becoming a vegetable. Yes that could happen and perhaps still feel pain but not able to do even the little you could before and no longer having the option of ending it. But that is a mere technical difficulty. By that time I would have my stockpile of narcotics, I would have started using them and would have a clear idea of what is a max tolerable dose so 10x that or however much is left, maybe 100x should do the job nicely. Plus there are tables that give ld50 to give you a good idea. Or tie a plastic bag over the head, there are many ways. What was that song 50 ways to ...
I know this is not a pleasant topic, we don't want to think of having to make such a decision. We imagine we will live a full, happy, and long life then pass away in our sleep or something. I think even having severe nausea and no hope of recovering from that would be enough to have to decide let alone pain. Its an individual decision, is life worth living, does one have goals they are still working toward or is it just x number of horrible months and then finally the end?
"I’m not interested in letting go, although the pain and so many other symptoms are more uncomfortable to straight out beyond beyond."
I think holding on and letting go are important processes. They are more philosophical than physical. I through meditation and belief system am in favor of letting go. Letting go of possessions, people, ideas, the body, and life itself. When we try to desperately hold onto something we become dependent on it be it a job, money, health, etc. Those things are all worth keeping its the difference between holding on desperately, telling ourselves we must never lose that person or thing or simply enjoying what we have but holding it loosely and letting it go if need be. Yoga, buddhism, and many teachings tell us attachment leads to unhappiness
By mentally letting go I no longer rejoice when I make a lot of money or grieve when I lose it. OK maybe some but I get over it. I have already let go mentally and emotionally, I will work to keep what I need and give away the rest. I have a ways to go in my own self about being able to let go but coming face to face with with severe illness takes it out of the theoretical 'maybe one of these days' realm into the here and now.
Its totally true that we need to enjoy life while we have it and are well. Too many of us live in the well worn rut, we put off until "someday" having a good time. Its not good being a wastrel and ignoring responsibilities but too stingy or too much self denial is no good either
Too much rambling, time to go. I wish you well and hope you find relief and peace