Here we go again - my husband has surgery on Friday 11/11

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Shayna

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Feb 18, 2012
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4,165
Hi everyone,

I have been lurking but not posting much lately -- it has just been too hectic. However, now it's about 4:30 AM and I am up, can't sleep, so I figured I would take some time and catch you all up.

My husband got some concerning test results from his routine lab work from the endocrinologist, relating to his kidney functioning. He was officially diagnosed in stage 3 kidney failure (I think stage 3B). Thank goodness I went with him on this appointment because sometimes if I don't go, and there is something wrong, he doesn't capture the salient details.

The dr. ordered a kidney ultrasound as a starter -- this was last Friday 11/04. I took the day off to be with him. We got his test in the morning, and in order to get in quick, we went to an out of town radiology location (technically across state lines, but it was still slightly less than an hour away). He got the test, and I waited -- the facility and people were very nice. They even bake fresh Otis Spunkmeyer cookies for everyone to enjoy, along with a free machine for hot drinks.

After the test, we had some lunch and talked. He was still very anxious, worried that he was going to die of kidney failure. I was trying to stay positive, to think about all the things that could be done. I was reaching out to online friends, both here and off the PR forum. (Thanks again @H20shed65!!) This got me armed with a lot of great and practical information, but my husband was not in any frame of mind to absorb any of it.

Later the same day, after we were about 10 minutes from making the trip back home -- the radiology center calls and says we have to come back right away. They did a CAT scan on his pelvis and abdomen. What they found were numerous and massive kidney stones (and gall stones, more about that later) which may need surgery. This actually turned out to be good news because 1) we now know the issue and 2) this means the kidney damage is expected to be reversible.

The endocrinologist was wonderful -- after the CAT scan results, she sent us to our local hospital to get a CMP - a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel. We went on a Friday evening around 8:00 PM, but thank goodness it wasn't busy at all. We were in an out in less than an hour with the test results AND a phone call from the dr. I had his previous test results in my smartphone (because I take notes on my smartphone during his appointments). Therefore,we were able to easily compare the 2-week old results with that day's results. Since it was essentially unchanged, she said he could wait for surgical evaluation until Monday 11/07.

I acted like a pushy wife on Monday, calling doctors trying to ensure that he was going to be evaluated that day, in between me working at my job. He finally got a late afternoon appointment, so I rearranged my work schedule and off we went. Then, we sat waiting for almost 3 whole hours to be seen!!!

They also took new x-rays at this appointment. The surgeon was very nice and explained that he has stones in BOTH kidneys, not just one like we were previously told. Also, the stones are too large to pass, and he will have to have surgery. He explained the surgical options, and frankly, I started to get woozy just hearing about it!! It sounds like he is going to need multiple surgical procedures at the same time, and he may also need another surgical appointment on a different day, if he cannot fix both kidneys at once.

Also, the kidney surgeon said that he needs to see a general surgeon about the gallstones. However, he said the kidney issues need to be dealt with first. He gave me a person to call to get on his surgical schedule, hopefully for this week.

Then on Tuesday, Election Day - we got up early to vote, and then I started calling doctors again, to get my husband on the surgeon's schedule. The person was not answering her phone, so I wrote her an email. I continued to work, in between fielding all the medical calls and so forth -- and then we got a call at the end of the day from the surgical scheduler. His surgery was scheduled for this Friday 11/11, and his pre-surgery workup was scheduled for Wednesday 11/09.

On Wednesday, my husband had the pre-surgery testing done, including an EKG. We don't know what kind of anesthesia he will be given, and we also don't know if the surgery is outpatient or if he will be kept in the hospital. I already have his bag packed, and it is ready to go with us to the hospital, just in case.

So today is Thursday 11/10, or surgery eve! I can't sleep, and my gastroparesis and IBS symptoms are flaring up badly. I plan to work from home today (I usually go into the office on Thursdays). My husband has been sleeping most of the days lately, but he promised to get some things done around the house for me before Friday. All I want done is some vacuuming to cut down on the dust in the bedroom and our home office and to catch up on laundry (which is downstairs in the basement).

I asked him if after the surgery, could we please, please, please get some help. He again says it won't be necessary. I am worried because I never got my back surgery to improve my own mobility, because I was caring for him with his hip surgery earlier this year. I am not as mobile as I was back then, and that was pretty bad and getting worse.

I plan to call the garbage service because they had a short term service for backdoor pickup, which costs a little extra but is so worth it, so I don't have to carry the garbage cans up and down our hill. His recovery time will be much shorter, 1-2 weeks, than it was after his hip surgery. I already talked about things like that with a nurse advocate at my insurance company. She took the time to explain the surgical aftercare and set my expectations.

He won't be able to lift anything heavier than a few pounds, for that recovery period. However, he will be able to walk, bathe and drive. He may feel uncomfortable, however -- which means that my husband will probably confine himself to bed and sleep all day.

Anyway, that is what is going on with me. I am afraid that he is going to be hateful and cruel to me, like he was after his hip surgery earlier this year. Ironically, we just started seeing a marriage counselor (I don't recall if I mentioned that), and our next appointment is on 11/11 -- I reminded him to reschedule it, I sure hope he remembers to do it!

If you are of a mind to do so, please keep him in your prayers as well as me. I need more faith, calm and patience. I also need more physical strength and endurance to do what I must around the household to take care of us, and have the discipline to do no more extra than that if it will cause me too much pain or harm.

Thanks for listening. :)
 

Victoria123

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Oct 14, 2016
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484
Hi Shayna,
You sound like you've got a lot on your plate right now So I'm sending positive hugs over fron Scotland.
Please try and make time for you, get the help you need in at home whether he agrees or not. You are caring for him but who is caring for you? Please don't neglect yourself.

Good luck for tomorrow. :)

Victoria.
 

VEDA

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May 19, 2015
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@Shayna. This is too long of a post for me to respond to , at this time. But a few comments. It's always good to have another person with you, at all appointments. I implore you to not ask for permission to get some help

after the surgery. JUST DO IT !!!! I'm glad you're seeing a marriage counselor. Maybe, it will help your husband to truly see himself, and how he treats you. Bring up getting help after the surgery with the counselor,

I'm sure he/she can convince your husband, that with your own health issues, it will be necessary. It doesn't need to be permanent, just a little help, to get over the hump. Hopefully, this will help your husband change

his personality, if he isn't in so much pain.

I will keep both of you in my prayers, and hope that this can be a new beginning for the both of you. Being treated with hate and cruelty, is unacceptable, and you shouldn't have to live that way. You've already been

through enough in your life. Way more, than most people.

You need more than faith, calm, and patience. You need a partner, who will treat you with love, respect, and kindness.

I sincerely wish you well, and hope both you and your husband, achieve better health. God speed.

Peace
 

Shayna

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Feb 18, 2012
Posts
4,165
Thanks to you both and sorry for such a long post. I sincerely appreciate your replies.

The garbage pickup at the back door service will start tomorrow, thank God I won't have to struggle up and down our hill with the big trash cans!! Hopefully, everything else I need done will somehow work itself out for good. My husband promised to do some work around the house today, while I am working. And if he doesn't, then hopefully it won't be too bad -- because he refused the idea of getting some help, again.

I know you all say not to ask his permission. However, he is my husband, and in our marriage, what he says goes. I may not always like it, but I try to abide by it without too much complaining. I will just take it one day, one hour at a time.
 

grammy

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Nov 10, 2012
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374
Hi Shayna

So sorry for all your troubles. I did visiting nursing for several years and I was 99% of the time more worried about my caregivers vs. my patients. My patients most times progressed well however my caregivers looked like they were taken into a back alley and beaten up. One husband whose wife was sick with a unhealing wound, was limping. I asked him what was wrong and he stated his hip ached and I suggested a trip to his ortho and one of his kids could look after his wife. He blew it off as "no big deal". His wife's wound healed and one week after I closed the case, he was diagnosed with bone cancer and succumbed shortly there after. I was heartbroken as I asked him so many times to take care of himself.
Shayna, I don't mean to scare you but you have to take care of you irregardless of what your husband says. Granted, his medical needs are a priority right now but as soon as he's up and running, take care of you. The best news I've heard is that the two of you are going to see a counselor. You need to be treated with love and respect.

Fondly,
G
 

Lifeliver

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Shayna.

Couple of things. First one. The garbage system likely has a "handicapped" service they HAVE to provide free if you have anything from doctor saying you're injured. Almost all services do. Call them and ask.

Second, He IS your husband and you are submitting. I don't know your faith, but if it is Christianity, then he must first love you like Jesus loves the Church in order to gain the submission from you. If he is not doing this kind of love, you have no duty to "submit". Speak to his doctor about your lack of ability/physical issues with the house and he/she may be able to help with providing some home care.

If he is hurting you physically, take advantage of this time he's incapacitated and leave. Serious. Leave. I know he will be hurting and you likely love him and want to care for him. But if he is hurting you - go. Go and don't look back. If you need help with rehab, women's shelters can help you.
 

Lifeliver

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We're here if you need emotional support. You're not alone.

Btw, if you stay. In the future, get him something called Breakstone. It's sold at places like Whole Foods. It's an herb that helps with kidney stones. My DH has a problem with them and since taking a breakstine every day, he doesn't get them anymore. Some research regarding stone - it's likely his diet or the lack of things in his body that are causing stones. A B12 deficiency can cause stones. A gluten allergy can cause stones bc body doesn't absorb calcium correctly in the gut and colon.
 

Shayna

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Feb 18, 2012
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Thanks everyone. He is already starting in on me, because I got frustrated at having to clean out the frig to try to find something to eat. I haven't slept at all really, and I am still sick to my stomach.

He does not submit to me but expects me to obey him, even though he would deny it if confronted. I was reading scripture on this topic earlier today, specifically on what a biblical marriage should involve etc.

He hasn't even had the surgery, and already I am worn out and hurt, physically and emotionally. He didn't like it that I was looking for things in the kitchen/pantry. Things were so dirty that I had to start cleaning before I could even reach the stove top, much less cook on it. Then I get in trouble because I guess I am not allowed to make myself some Minute Rice???!!!

I really need some help here, but he just doesn't get it and doesn't want to do anything anymore. He says it's because of his kidneys, but the medical staff told me that his fatigue is a separate issue. Plus, I have crushing fatigue and work 2 jobs, one full and one part time.

I am just getting so sick and tired of him not making any efforts at all. I know that this isn't the time to address when he is about to have surgery. His recovery should be 1-2 weeks. It's just so ridiculous that he can't even make telephone calls on his/our behalf!!

Now I am just shut up in another room, dreading the rest of the day. I told him, forget it, I just won't get to eat at all like back in March, until I collapse. Back then, I literally collapsed in his hospital room from dehydration and exhaustion (complications from norovirus, too). It's like already, all he is doing is thinking of himself and acting like a victim if I dare protest.

Our next counseling appointment was scheduled for tomorrow, so he said he cancelled it. He had to because I don't have the counselor's contact info. He didn't want to reschedule though, not even for 2 weeks out. That I find concerning and disappointing.
 
Last edited:

djrick

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Aug 17, 2011
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Sanity

@Shayna


I'm very sorry to be reading about your husband's bad behavior again.

When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

I hope something in the following link might be helpful.

Best.

http://www.leslievernick.com/wp-con...orts-Separation-from-a-Destructive-Spouse.pdf



God values the sanctity of marriage but not more than the safety and sanity of the individuals in it.
 

Lifeliver

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Is your husband going to be in the hospital for surgery in-patient? Or out-patient? My suggestion is that you take the time while he's in surgery to go to a local women's shelter and tell them what you've said here. Or to speak to someone at work you respect and ask their opinion. You need to get out of the situation you're in until your husband gets help.
 

djrick

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@djrick thank you. I am at the end of my rope, and I just don't know how to hang on.


Hi Shayna,

For the years we've been posting you have always been a calm, intelligent presence here at PR. For you to write so candidly, I would guess the reality is worse. I am worried about you. Your husband has crossed a mind bridge where he feels it is 'ok' to let his rage fly and have you hiding in your own house. You have also lived with some bone weary medical problems including trying to please him and you probably don't have the physical/mental strength you did 3-4 years ago. God is love and this is not love. Isolating a partner is a hallmark of abuse. But you know all this.

Look, it is your house. He gets mad even with you tip toeing around on eggshells. You are the sole income provider. Order up the help and if he flies into a fit, go shopping, church, lunch, movie. If he continues when you get back, have the authorities on speed dial and tell him you will have him escorted from the home (your home) if he can not control himself. Believe me, he does not want to lose you. Mrs Parker mentioned to go to counseling on your own, let him sit and stew if he won't/can't go. You need the positive reinforcement girl. Don't allow yourself to lose your health over this. Life is too precious and it is finite for all of us.

You are not alone. Stay strong.
 

Shayna

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Feb 18, 2012
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@djrick so far, I don't think I will have to hire some help because my husband is up and around. However, he has to keep going to the bathroom often and without much warning.

I told him that I plan to go to the supermarket tomorrow so that he should let me know anything he wants. Before the surgery, I had him stock up on heavy items, like cases of soda pop and dry pet food etc.

I can manage by myself at the store, even though I haven't gone without him since March (when he had his hip surgery). He doesn't like the idea of me going, but I also didn't ask him -- I just told him as matter of fact. Now I just have to follow through tomorrow.

I also have a hair appointment after work, and I already moved it once because of his being ill. I plan on keeping my appointment and leaving him at home. This will give me some time without him and more importantly, him without me.

All these things are contingent on my husband physically continuing to improve, of course. Also, my IBS-D has been terrible for several days, probably due to stress. Even my meds are not helping much, so I couldn't go away from home till my symptoms are more stable. If I am not better in another day, I am going to contact my gastroenterologist for a follow-up.
 

ethom

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Dear Shayna - My heart goes out to you. It's so easy to tell you what we are all thinking - "leave him".

But I get that is very difficult to do. I agree with the advice to find a counselor on your own who will work with you. Maybe start working on a plan to leave. Find an apartment or room, get the bills in your name, consider getting your own checking account. This just breaks my heart as I have seen friends in situations like this - he will probably never change. And he does need you so be if he finds out that you want to leave, he will be very, very angry. Be ready for that.

You are in my thoughts.
 

VEDA

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@Shayna. I'm glad your husband, is getting up and around, somewhat. Do you mind me asking, why doesn't he like the idea of you going shopping alone. Is it because he wants you around, in case he needs you, or does

he fear for your safety, while being alone. Well, that's none of my business, so you can choose to answer, or not.

Definitely get to your hair appointment. That will be a nice reprieve, having someone take care of you. I hope your IBS-D, is better by tomorrow, so you can get a bit of a break, for yourself.

I hope both you and your husbands health issues, start to clear up, so you guys can get back into counseling. It sure would be nice to have some joyful, fun times together.

Prayers to both you, and your husband.

Peace
 

djrick

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@djrick so far, I don't think I will have to hire some help because my husband is up and around. However, he has to keep going to the bathroom often and without much warning.

I told him that I plan to go to the supermarket tomorrow so that he should let me know anything he wants. Before the surgery, I had him stock up on heavy items, like cases of soda pop and dry pet food etc.

I can manage by myself at the store, even though I haven't gone without him since March (when he had his hip surgery). He doesn't like the idea of me going, but I also didn't ask him -- I just told him as matter of fact. Now I just have to follow through tomorrow.

I also have a hair appointment after work, and I already moved it once because of his being ill. I plan on keeping my appointment and leaving him at home. This will give me some time without him and more importantly, him without me.

All these things are contingent on my husband physically continuing to improve, of course. Also, my IBS-D has been terrible for several days, probably due to stress. Even my meds are not helping much, so I couldn't go away from home till my symptoms are more stable. If I am not better in another day, I am going to contact my gastroenterologist for a follow-up.


Hi Shayna,

I do hope you had a peaceful weekend. IBS-D is made so much worse with stress as you know. And are as many physical ailments. Consider bringing some help in if at all helpful to reduce you stress. You know that your husband is not going to rage at you with other people in the house. Maybe afterward but I think some of us talked about you having the Uber app on your phone and it would be a good idea to also have a local taxi service on your phone if you need a break and do not feel up to driving.

Up most is that you stay safe. Women that are with someone who thinks this bad behavior is ok are most at risk when their partner thinks they are losing control of them. You have tried being passive and hiding in the house, this only works for so long. And your own health needs should be managed too. I remember you writing that you collapsed, was that this year?, and hospitalized.

I hope you enjoyed your salon appointment and good for you for taking steps to enjoy yourself. Life is short.

Have a good week. Best.
 

Shayna

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Thanks everyone. I kept my hair appointment and went grocery shopping, but he wanted to go everywhere with me. I think he is extra clingy because of his condition and because of my current flare up with my IBS-D and gastroparesis. He actually wanted to go out so badly that he wore a diaper -- I wasn't going to deny him in that state.

He was much nicer and more helpful than usual. He is even helping around the house more, despite his recent surgery -- nothing strenuous, but everything helps.

I told him that either he needs to help me and not stop me, or after a discrete interval of no improvement, then I will hire some help. I said that I understand he would rather not have a stranger in our home, and honestly, neither would I. Nevertheless, more than my dislike of lack of privacy, the dust and dirt affects my asthma and makes me feel depressed. I'm not expecting perfect, but he will pile trash on the floor, RIGHT NEXT TO THE TRASH CAN!!

Anyway, I am trying desperately to get a hold of my GI dr because I am having trouble eating and staying hydrated. That happened to me in March, when he had his hip surgery. I collapsed in his hospital room and ended up hospitalized for 2 days. I was so afraid our pets would die because there was no one to care for them, but they were just fine. Still, I don't want to go through it again.
 

Lifeliver

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Start counseling. Do not take his changes as a reason to not go. You go. If he won't go, you go. You need to realize that you ARE worthy and not like the trash placed on the floor next to the can. I'm going to guess that his desire to go with you was because he is frightened you'll leave while he is not capable. I agree with @djrick regarding him crossing a line already. And because you ARE educated and you ARE talented, you realize it. I know it's hard to think you could ever have a better life (mainly because you've believed what he and your family have said and done), there is a better life waiting. He can choose to go for it with you or you can have it on your own. We're here for you!
 
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