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Lonely

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throwawaymcsneaky

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Feb 21, 2020
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116
I've been severely sick/housebound for most of the last 10 years, and only have my family to talk to. It's been a deeply lonely and heartbreaking existence with no end in sight. I feel nothing but grief when I remember the person I used to be before I got sick. Sending love and warm thoughts to everyone here.
 

pinkflower

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Sep 20, 2018
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I'm really fucking lonely. It's like a physical thing that I can feel. I truly believe I wouldn't have such a high xan intake if I wasn't so lonely. I'm taking Mum to bed soon, feeding the cats and then going to bed (alone :cry:) to get blissful respite in sleep. And yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Just want to cry.
 

jaders

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Joined
Feb 1, 2012
Posts
4,191
I'm really fucking lonely. It's like a physical thing that I can feel. I truly believe I wouldn't have such a high xan intake if I wasn't so lonely. I'm taking Mum to bed soon, feeding the cats and then going to bed (alone :cry:) to get blissful respite in sleep. And yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Just want to cry.

@pinkflower. Do you ever get time away from caregiving? Like times when you can go do something fun for just yourself and someone else comes in to watch your mother? I’ve definitely heard of caregiver burnout. Sounds like you are possibly experiencing that? No one can give 24/7 without depleting themselves.

I have to admit, I’m the opposite of many folks. I treasure solitude and alone time. I work in public service tho so I think solitude is my way to recharge. There’s nothing more I love to do than hike or travel/go camping with just my hound.

I sure hope the folks on this thread find some solace to the loneliness. Finding ways to reach out might help?

Wishing peace and comfort to all tho…🙏❤️
 
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Eyriz

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Sep 9, 2022
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312
@Smithy1 hey, man. Think of it as a phase. Because, it IS a phase and it will pass. Just try to make the next phase a better one
 

pinkflower

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Sep 20, 2018
Posts
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@pinkflower. Do you ever get time away from caregiving? Like times when you can go do something fun for just yourself and someone else comes in to watch your mother? I’ve definitely heard of caregiver burnout. Sounds like you are possibly experiencing that? No one can give 24/7 without depleting themselves.

I hane to admit, I’m the opposite of many folks. I treasure solitude and alone time. I work in public service tho so I think solitude is my way to recharge. There’s nothing more I love to do than hike or travel/go camping with just my hound.

I sure hope the folks on this thread find some solace to the loneliness. Finding ways to reach out might help?

Wishing peace and comfort to all tho…🙏❤️

Thanks @jaders 💗

Yes, caregiver burnout is the problem now for me I am sure. No I don't get time away from home. I've always been a homebody though, but I would just like a break now and again. It's not that easy though. It's not really just a matter of someone watching Mum; it would need someone to take her to the toilet if she needed that. I am used to moving her (with a transfer belt around her) by myself but it would need two people to come in and do it to ensure her safety and I'm not sure our at home care services would provide that. The whole health system here is so overwhelmed and people are suffering. My sister is stronger than me because of her job and she helps me shower Mum but she wouldn't attempt to move Mum by herself because she would be scared she would ''drop'' her and I would be scared she would too. Mum is only very lightweight, thank goodness or I wouldn't be able to do what I do!

Mum gets fed up because she was always so very active and always had to be doing something. So we both get grumpy, lol. I have always been a fairly solitary person too but never lonely. I used to go walking or running by myself through the countryside and loved it. I would have hated going in a group. And my favourite ''me time'' activity used to be curling up in my chair, drinking red wine and watching a gritty British cop show or drama. It would have been nice to have someone to snuggle up to of course but that wasn't to be. But I can't drink wine now only because of the amount of xans I take (would rather have the wine, lol).

I just never realised how much it would affect me constantly having to be aware of someone else's needs instead of just doing housework or whatever and being lost in that. There is an agency I can turn to for help I think. Mum and I would have to be assessed first. I didn't think I would need it when the woman rang me but now I do, depending on what help they can give Mum. I'll leave that for next year though.

I think at the moment I'm SUPER stressed because of what is happening with (you know who :)) and not being sure whether I'll be able to keep getting my xans.

I have to get Mum up now. I'm running late again as usual because I just sit here and dread the thought of it. It's hard physically but it's the emotional side of it that is harder.

And I have got nine very grumpy cats here because I have run out of cat food! I get it on subscription at a good price and I thought what I had would last but they have had very little this morning and are not best pleased, lol. It's due to arrive today so I sure hope it does! I can get my sister to pick up a bag from the supermarket for me but I don't want to bother her if this order will arrive any time soon which it should do. The brats are all in very good condition so it's not going to hurt them to be a little bit hungry for a couple of hours more but I think they disconcur with that. 😹😹
 

jaders

Exalted member
Joined
Feb 1, 2012
Posts
4,191

@pinkflower. Do you ever get time away from caregiving? Like times when you can go do something fun for just yourself and someone else comes in to watch your mother? I’ve definitely heard of caregiver burnout. Sounds like you are possibly experiencing that? No one can give 24/7 without depleting themselves.

I hane to admit, I’m the opposite of many folks. I treasure solitude and alone time. I work in public service tho so I think solitude is my way to recharge. There’s nothing more I love to do than hike or travel/go camping with just my hound.

I sure hope the folks on this thread find some solace to the loneliness. Finding ways to reach out might help?

Wishing peace and comfort to all tho…🙏❤️

Thanks @jaders 💗

Yes, caregiver burnout is the problem now for me I am sure. No I don't get time away from home. I've always been a homebody though, but I would just like a break now and again. It's not that easy though. It's not really just a matter of someone watching Mum; it would need someone to take her to the toilet if she needed that. I am used to moving her (with a transfer belt around her) by myself but it would need two people to come in and do it to ensure her safety and I'm not sure our at home care services would provide that. The whole health system here is so overwhelmed and people are suffering. My sister is stronger than me because of her job and she helps me shower Mum but she wouldn't attempt to move Mum by herself because she would be scared she would ''drop'' her and I would be scared she would too. Mum is only very lightweight, thank goodness or I wouldn't be able to do what I do!

Mum gets fed up because she was always so very active and always had to be doing something. So we both get grumpy, lol. I have always been a fairly solitary person too but never lonely. I used to go walking or running by myself through the countryside and loved it. I would have hated going in a group. And my favourite ''me time'' activity used to be curling up in my chair, drinking red wine and watching a gritty British cop show or drama. It would have been nice to have someone to snuggle up to of course but that wasn't to be. But I can't drink wine now only because of the amount of xans I take (would rather have the wine, lol).

I just never realised how much it would affect me constantly having to be aware of someone else's needs instead of just doing housework or whatever and being lost in that. There is an agency I can turn to for help I think. Mum and I would have to be assessed first. I didn't think I would need it when the woman rang me but now I do, depending on what help they can give Mum. I'll leave that for next year though.

I think at the moment I'm SUPER stressed because of what is happening with (you know who :)) and not being sure whether I'll be able to keep getting my xans.

I have to get Mum up now. I'm running late again as usual because I just sit here and dread the thought of it. It's hard physically but it's the emotional side of it that is harder.

And I have got nine very grumpy cats here because I have run out of cat food! I get it on subscription at a good price and I thought what I had would last but they have had very little this morning and are not best pleased, lol. It's due to arrive today so I sure hope it does! I can get my sister to pick up a bag from the supermarket for me but I don't want to bother her if this order will arrive any time soon which it should do. The brats are all in very good condition so it's not going to hurt them to be a little bit hungry for a couple of hours more but I think they disconcur with that. 😹😹

Between your mom and the kitties. - wow! 😱. Sounds like a lot to me. I would definitely look into help so that you can get away - even if for a walk. 🙏
 

caramelt

Senior member
Joined
Oct 29, 2022
Posts
90
Between your mom and the kitties. - wow! 😱. Sounds like a lot to me. I would definitely look into help so that you can get away - even if for a walk. 🙏

Never underestimate the power of a walk, especially a walk in nature. I walk daily, sometimes it feels like the only escape I have. It can feel lonely at times, but if you pay attention to your surroundings, the things you see, what you hear, the feel of the air on your skin, it can be so enjoyable.

When it comes down to it, we are all connected (whether we like it or not). Just a bunch of little people taking up space on the only known planet in the universe to support life. When you zoom out and look at the big picture, it's pretty awe-inspiring.

Peace to you all.
 

pinkflower

Eminent member
Joined
Sep 20, 2018
Posts
1,520

Never underestimate the power of a walk, especially a walk in nature. I walk daily, sometimes it feels like the only escape I have.

Totally agree @caramelt! That's one of the things I miss the most about being housebound is not being able to go for a walk through the local tree lined walkway. I grew up on dairy farms out in the sticks and I miss the countryside but at the bottom of the street where I live now is access to the walkway and then to fields open to the public. I loved walking and being in nature, always by myself, which I enjoyed. I then started running - bouncing boobs and all, lol - and loved it. Yet I hated sport at school! It just felt like the most natural thing to do...break into a run. It felt like freedom and did feel like an escape and felt exhilarating. I miss it so much! It's so good for one's mental health too. Proven by science.

And talking about the universe and all that jazz, I was outside the other night and Orion was hanging low and shining brightly in the clear sky. I just stood there staring at it. It was magical. I used to do that a lot but have lost interest in everything now so that was a nice moment. Me outside in my nightie gazing up at the sky...the neighbours must have thought I was mad. 😂

I get on really well with all my close by neighbours though, except for one who is the head teacher of a kindy and thinks she's ''somebody'' for goodness sake. She's not even that bright. She is something though. A c***. ;)
 
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jaders

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Joined
Feb 1, 2012
Posts
4,191

Never underestimate the power of a walk, especially a walk in nature. I walk daily, sometimes it feels like the only escape I have.

Totally agree @caramelt! That's one of the things I miss the most about being housebound is not being able to go for a walk through the local tree lined walkway. I grew up on dairy farms out in the sticks and I miss the countryside but at the bottom of the street where I live now is access to the walkway and then to fields open to the public. I loved walking and being in nature, always by myself, which I enjoyed. I then started running - bouncing boobs and all, lol - and loved it. Yet I hated sport at school! It just felt like the most natural thing to do...break into a run. It felt like freedom and did feel like an escape and felt exhilarating. I miss it so much! It's so good for one's mental health too. Proven by science.

And talking about the universe and all that jazz, I was outside the other night and Orion was hanging low and shining brightly in the clear sky. I just stood there staring at it. It was magical. I used to do that a lot but have lost interest in everything now so that was a nice moment. Me outside in my nightie gazing up at the sky...the neighbours must have thought I was mad. 😂

I get on really well with all my close by neighbours though, except for one who is the head teacher of a kindy and thinks she's ''somebody'' for goodness sake. She's not even that bright. She is something though. A c***. ;)

There's always "one." :D

Did the cat food arrive? Otherwise I can picture nine kitties swarming you and thousands of little scratches...:eek:
 

tycho

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 8, 2011
Posts
599
did the cat food arrive? Otherwise I can picture nine kitties swarming you and thousands of little scratches...:eek:
Maybe not so little. Had a little kitty with little paws and little claws that could nevertheless inflict a 9-inch gash on my arm when displeased about the most trivial thing that little kitties can get displeased about.. Ouchies!
 

caramelt

Senior member
Joined
Oct 29, 2022
Posts
90
Totally agree @caramelt! That's one of the things I miss the most about being housebound is not being able to go for a walk through the local tree lined walkway. I grew up on dairy farms out in the sticks and I miss the countryside but at the bottom of the street where I live now is access to the walkway and then to fields open to the public. I loved walking and being in nature, always by myself, which I enjoyed. I then started running - bouncing boobs and all, lol - and loved it. Yet I hated sport at school! It just felt like the most natural thing to do...break into a run. It felt like freedom and did feel like an escape and felt exhilarating. I miss it so much! It's so good for one's mental health too. Proven by science.

And talking about the universe and all that jazz, I was outside the other night and Orion was hanging low and shining brightly in the clear sky. I just stood there staring at it. It was magical. I used to do that a lot but have lost interest in everything now so that was a nice moment. Me outside in my nightie gazing up at the sky...the neighbours must have thought I was mad. 😂

I get on really well with all my close by neighbours though, except for one who is the head teacher of a kindy and thinks she's ''somebody'' for goodness sake. She's not even that bright. She is something though. A c***. ;)

That sounds like a beautiful place to grow up. I grew up in the suburbs, where every house looked the same, a grid of concrete driveways on quarter-acre parcels, each house with 2 saplings out front to replace the beautiful woods they destroyed when the neighborhood was built. These days, I'm lucky enough to live on the side of a wooded mountain. The trees and wildlife are always so soothing. I've never been athletically inclined though, I was born with a condition that's caused me chronic pain my whole life. I've always envied people who can run, because it sounds so freeing. :)

Ah, let the neighbors think you're mad, especially the c***y one. :LOL: It's been a while since I've done any stargazing, your story made me smile and inspires me to get outside one of these nights. Having those magical moments is so important. Reminds me of this article I read not long ago: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...ve-your-life-and-even-make-you-a-nicer-person
 

pinkflower

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Sep 20, 2018
Posts
1,520
I rang the courier depot about the cat food @jaders. The cats were doing a lot of whining and making me feel very sorry for them. Except for one small, fluffy, beautiful and utterly darling ex-feral who kept nipping me sharply on the back of the leg. :ROFLMAO: I expected to be put on hold for ages as you are these days when you ring companies but the phone was answered immediately and a very helpful young woman looked up the consignment number and said it should be here and actually went out the back and looked for it! That is unheard of these days, lol. She came back and said it is out the back and it will be delivered this afternoon. The brats wouldn't have starved by the afternoon but I would have felt very guilty so my sister made an emergency dash to the courier depot and picked it up for me and brought it here. Nine cats acted as if they hadn't been fed for a week. :ROFLMAO: They were happy, contented cats once again after that.

Ouch indeed about your scratches @tycho. Aforementioned little darling, beautiful ex-feral used to attack me all the time. And I have got another little one who I kept inside for a long time but who prefers to live just outside in the porch in her little ''house'' I have made for her. She had a horrible life and had a bad limp. The vet said she would never be able to stand up properly. Oh how wrong he was! She's full of energy and races around and climbs fences etc. She's just a bundle of joy. She is soooo smoochy now but will not tolerate being picked up. She's got the most gorgeous, very long, thick, fluffy coat which was lovely over winter but when spring came as she shed her fur, it became a mass of tangled knots. There was no way I could comb her. I managed to trap her inside and then had to get her into a crate until it was vet appointment day. She hid behind the sofa and it took me about an hour to get her into a position where I could corner her and rub her around the neck and let her smooch me. Then I (with great trepidation, lol) made my move.

I scruffed her and threw her into the crate. It took less than a second but in that time she went mental and managed to inflict long, deep scratches up my arm. Then she sat in the crate purring. Little tart. The vet put long term flea treatment on her and wormed her and had to shave her so she came back bald. She had bald, pink skin all over except for her head and fluffy tail and little ''booties''. She looked like some sort of alien creature, lol. I kept her inside in the warm for a few days and then let her out and this weird little alien thing was running around outside. So funny.

Trees and nature are indeed soothing @caramelt. I'm so sorry about your pain condition. ♥️ I truly don't know how people cope with chronic pain. I'm not athletically inclined either but it just felt natural to run and yes, it was very freeing. But walking is fantastic too. I look at some of the lovely wallpaper (if that's the right term, lol) options that come up on my laptop and imagine going for long hikes through the beautiful nature ones.

Oh and I must admit I have occasionally deliberately acted slightly mad towards c***y neighbour. 😂 It gives me pleasure because she's so patronising. She's the one I should get on best with because we are the same age and have very similar backgrounds. But the two I get on best with and have long chats with when I am able to be outside are an Indian, Muslim woman who is a lot younger than me with three gorgeous young kids who I adore. She and I really connect. And then there's dear Bob, an 80 year old Englishman who has led a colourful life and has lots of tales to tell. So, you just don't know.

Oops, I've rambled on too long. Mum is calling. :)
 

pinkflower

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Maybe not so little. Had a little kitty with little paws and little claws that could nevertheless inflict a 9-inch gash on my arm when displeased about the most trivial thing that little kitties can get displeased about.. Ouchies!

That's hilarious @tycho! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

You must have really pissed off that little kitty! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

caramelt

Senior member
Joined
Oct 29, 2022
Posts
90
Trees and nature are indeed soothing @caramelt. I'm so sorry about your pain condition. ♥️ I truly don't know how people cope with chronic pain. I'm not athletically inclined either but it just felt natural to run and yes, it was very freeing. But walking is fantastic too. I look at some of the lovely wallpaper (if that's the right term, lol) options that come up on my laptop and imagine going for long hikes through the beautiful nature ones.

Oh and I must admit I have occasionally deliberately acted slightly mad towards c***y neighbour. 😂 It gives me pleasure because she's so patronising. She's the one I should get on best with because we are the same age and have very similar backgrounds. But the two I get on best with and have long chats with when I am able to be outside are an Indian, Muslim woman who is a lot younger than me with three gorgeous young kids who I adore. She and I really connect. And then there's dear Bob, an 80 year old Englishman who has led a colourful life and has lots of tales to tell. So, you just don't know.

Oops, I've rambled on too long. Mum is calling. :)

Thanks @pinkflower, I honestly don't know what life is like without chronic pain so I don't really know what I'm missing out on. 🙃 Sometimes I do that too with wallpapers. I once found this massive zip file of over 1000 high-resolution nature and landscape wallpapers. I wish I had saved the zip file but I still have quite a few of the photos to get lost in. And sometimes I like to look at random places on Google maps and see the pics that others took, or use the Street View and take a little tour.

Bad neighbors can really make life hard, so I hope she's not a thorn in your side every day! Glad you have more good ones than bad, and those diverse friendships can be some of the best ones we have. :)
 

tycho

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Posts
599
Maybe not so little. Had a little kitty with little paws and little claws that could nevertheless inflict a 9-inch gash on my arm when displeased about the most trivial thing that little kitties can get displeased about.. Ouchies!

That's hilarious @tycho! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

You must have really pissed off that little kitty! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
That particular kitty was schizophrenic. Most of the time it was absolutely adorable. It was more of a dog than a cat, loved to go on walks with me on a leash, would play fetch, and would ride in a basket attach to my handlebars when I went on bike rides. I have a beard, and the cat would groom me, purring, as if I was another kitty. It slept with me not curled up like a normal cat, but long and skinny against my back.

But at the time I had a job that required some travel and the cat hated me gone. It would come up to me on my return and rub against my legs purring and then bite me. The scratch occurred when I was trying to clean its litter box. One time because I was traveling, I treated myself to laundry done by the pound, and when I brought it home, the cat promptly climbed in the box of clean, folded clothing and used it as a litter box. Little bastard…
 

jaders

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Joined
Feb 1, 2012
Posts
4,191
Maybe not so little. Had a little kitty with little paws and little claws that could nevertheless inflict a 9-inch gash on my arm when displeased about the most trivial thing that little kitties can get displeased about.. Ouchies!

That's hilarious @tycho! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

You must have really pissed off that little kitty! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
That particular kitty was schizophrenic. Most of the time it was absolutely adorable. It was more of a dog than a cat, loved to go on walks with me on a leash, would play fetch, and would ride in a basket attach to my handlebars when I went on bike rides. I have a beard, and the cat would groom me, purring, as if I was another kitty. It slept with me not curled up like a normal cat, but long and skinny against my back.

But at the time I had a job that required some travel and the cat hated me gone. It would come up to me on my return and rub against my legs purring and then bite me. The scratch occurred when I was trying to clean its litter box. One time because I was traveling, I treated myself to laundry done by the pound, and when I brought it home, the cat promptly climbed in the box of clean, folded clothing and used it as a litter box. Little bastard…

Such cat tales. I like cats a lot but honestly i get along WAY better with dogs. Cats are just so persnickety and you just never know what you’re going to get. I did have a Siamese for 14 years that I adored but that was many moons ago.

Anyone ever see this video of Digeridoo?

 

tycho

Distinguished member
Joined
Nov 8, 2011
Posts
599
Maybe not so little. Had a little kitty with little paws and little claws that could nevertheless inflict a 9-inch gash on my arm when displeased about the most trivial thing that little kitties can get displeased about.. Ouchies!

That's hilarious @tycho! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

You must have really pissed off that little kitty! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
That particular kitty was schizophrenic. Most of the time it was absolutely adorable. It was more of a dog than a cat, loved to go on walks with me on a leash, would play fetch, and would ride in a basket attach to my handlebars when I went on bike rides. I have a beard, and the cat would groom me, purring, as if I was another kitty. It slept with me not curled up like a normal cat, but long and skinny against my back.

But at the time I had a job that required some travel and the cat hated me gone. It would come up to me on my return and rub against my legs purring and then bite me. The scratch occurred when I was trying to clean its litter box. One time because I was traveling, I treated myself to laundry done by the pound, and when I brought it home, the cat promptly climbed in the box of clean, folded clothing and used it as a litter box. Little bastard…

Such cat tales. I like cats a lot but honestly i get along WAY better with dogs. Cats are just so persnickety and you just never know what you’re going to get. I did have a Siamese for 14 years that I adored but that was many moons ago.

Anyone ever see this video of Digeridoo?

The Goodest boys and girls!!
 
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